Visiting Vincent Valentine
by Koom
Summary: Why can't they just leave me alone...' Thinks Vincent as his colleagues constantly turn up and cause hell for him. Include suggestions for visitors and events in your reveiws!
1. The 'Great' Leader

I humbly apologise to every staff member of this wonderful website for my unwelcome absence. I understand that It may seem like I have abandoned this website, but there have merely been many things occuring at home.

Anyway! Hope y'all will forgive me as i get to churning out another fanfic!

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How to annoy an Angsting Host.

Visitor: Cloud Strife

Rattling the ever sharp fingers of his golden claw upon the table, Vincent was mercifully disturbed from his work by a rattle at the door. Since he was upstairs, it took him mere seconds to casually leave the room... before bounding down through the main foyer of the Shinra mansion, to land in a flurry of Red at the main entrance to the house.

Opening the door, and letting the wind sweep under his cloak, Vincent was half knocked from his feet as a streak of blonde upon chiselled shoulders swept in, and slammed the door against the freezing winter.

A few moments passed, before a low tone voice greeted Vincent with a straight to the point none refusable request.

"Vincent. Can I stay here tonight?"

As much as he wanted to ask what Cloud was even doing in Nibelheim, Vincent sighed, and decided to go around that question with another.

"What have you done to make Tifa throw you out again?"

Answering the gunslingers comment with an innaudible mumble, Cloud Strife slinked off into the kitchen to find something to eat.

"Mind if I make myself something?"

"Depends if you like thin Air Cloud..."

Upon opening every single cupboard in the (newly installed) Kitchen. Cloud lazily lay his sword down upon the table with a horrendous thud, and slouched into one of the seats at the table.

"Do you mind going out to get me something?"

"Did Tifa break your legs again Cloud?"

"I walked here didn't I?"

"Maybe you drove."

"I live two houses away Vincent..."

"And the building between us is a Cafe."

Silently satisfied that he had won the exchange of Angst, Vincent had slowly plodded back up the stairs, and had just turned left towards the study...

"They're closed on Sundays."

... as his head found it's way to rest against a Cedar pillar as he moaned. how did Cloud always find a way to lose his sleeping arrangements at least once a week?

At least he was one of the more 'quiet' guests he had endured.

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Twas merely a sample! Anyway, Read and Reveiw with SUGGESTIONS! For guests and events! I will answer all requests you give me gang. 


	2. Smoking is bad for your mental health

Continuing on with the Visiting Vincent series...

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How to annoy an Angsting host.

Visitor: Cid Highwind

Since his awakening by Cloud and the group, Vincent has gone to war, saved the world thrice over, and bought the Shinra estate as his own. He has also moved his coffin into the master bedroom.

Another day in solitude. Such was Vincent's hope for the next 24 hours.  
Pushing the lid from his coffin, his dreary eyes were met with a barrage of smoke. Coughing, wheezing, and tumbling from the coffin as he tried to stand. Vincent was met with another unwelcome morning greeting. In the form of an airship pilot leaping onto him and straddling him by the hips to the floor.

"Hey Vince! Good to see ya!"

Finding his legs trapped beneath the stubble faced Pilot, Vincent coughed once more, before sweeping the stray locks from his face and looking up with the familiar blank face at Cid Highwind.

"Uh... Cid. What are you doing here?"

Shoving Vincent meaninglessly back to the floor as he tried to raise himself an inch, Cid bellowed through the morning:

"I came to pay ya a visit dummy!" Followed by the inevitable: "And I have a favour to ask..."

"Could we do this somewhere other than my bedroom floor?"

Recoiling with playful disgust, and holding up the finger that so brilliantly showed off his Engagement ring through layers of solidified Oil, Cid dissapeared downstairs mumbling something about the latest upgrades to his ship.

After acquiring his cloak, and some everyday (black) clothing, Vincent had made his way downstairs as well. He was greeted by the worst Piano playing of all time, and an intoxicated voice screaming the Lyrics to 'Free Bird' so out of Tune it should have been illegal.

Raising gradually from mumbling, to nearly shouting Cid's voice through the unholy ritual that was the Pilot's musical performance, Vincent was greeted with an innocent shrug and an:

"I couldn't resist! I can't let my talents go to waste..."

Silently pondering whether these talents were a form of torture Cid had perfected, he was suddenly being marched along with the other mans arm around his shoulders, and was being blessed with yet another ten hour speech on every tiny detail of the Sierra Mark 2. 


	3. Guns are not Toys

Chapter/part three...

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How to Annoy and Angsting Host

Visitor (s) : Barret Wallace + Marlene and Denzel

Answering a strangely forceful knocking at his Estate's door, and the yelling of his visitor, Vincent already knew exactly who had come to see him.

"'Sup Vince! You look a little pale bro... hope you don't mind, but I said I'd take the kids to visit y'all this week, so we hitched a ride from Cid over here."

Distracted by Barret's endless greeting speech, while at the same time trying to decipher half if it from the Giant man's accent, Vincent was oblivious to the two young children that had slinked under his cloak to find his gun belt.

"Cool..." Came the voice of an awe-struck Denzel.

Gasping suddenly, and reach an arm down just in time, Vincent retreived his Tri-barreled handgun Cerberus, from the innocent but clumsy hands of the ragged haired youth.

Leaving his billowing cloak with hanging heads and arms behind their backs, Denzel and Marlene both looked up with puppy dog eyes and chorused:

"Can we have a look at your gun Uncle Vincent?"

Staring coldy and dissaprovingly down at the pair, Vincent was about to mouth his obvious response, when a massive hand slapped him on the back, causing him to wheeze, half bend over, and drop the firearm into the awaiting hands of Denzel.

The children, both squeaking a gleeful thanks, before scurrying off into the Mansion somewhere. Vincent, regaining his composure, looked back at Barret with slightly widened eyes. The kind that said 'Are you insane?!'

"Ah let them have their fun Vince. Y'know I bet even yo ass was a little kid once."

"I didn't get to play with deadly weapons when I was ten year-"

A sudden, no, three sudden pains in his leg made Vincent half grunt half scream as he fell to the floor confused and bleeding.

"Whoopsie!" Called out the ever innocent voice of Marlene.

"I TOLD you girls are bad shots! You gotta aim higher!"

Yelping, and sheilding his face with his steel hands, Vincent scrambled to Barret for help, who was laughing his ass off for numerous reasons. Left to his own ends to fend off the murderous children, Vincent cried inside as he realised how much ammo he had in the gun, and how far away his potion pack was.

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Hurray for Anti-Vincent praise! 


	4. If all else Fails, use Hormones

Part 4! Bring on the requests folks!!

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How to Annoy and Angsting Host

Visitor: Tifa Lockheart

A quiet life. Yes. Such bliss. Vincent lay with his back slouched into the world's comfiest chair, with his table upon the world's more perfect Coffee table. With the most emotional romantic novel he could procure from the Estate library in the basement. A relaxed smile upon his face, Vincent didn't know what could possibly go wrong.

"Vincent...?" Mumbled the voice of a young, yet mature woman. "Vincent where are you?"

Sighing, and massaging his temples in despair, Vincent called through the spider web ridden halls:

"I'm in the Ballroom..." The ballroom, that had in fact become his living room and all purpose chamber of sloth.  
Poking her head round the corner, with a tender smile that on any other day, would have lifted Vincent's spirit a little, Tifa Lockheart stepped in. She covered up her housewife's repulse at the state that Vincent kept the room, but couldn't resist:

"Yeesh, didn't the Turks teach cleanliness and manners? Where's my hello?"

"Hello Tifa... what's wrong?"

Mockingly taken aback, Tifa lay an ettiquette filled hand to her bussom with replied with:

"My dear Vincent! Do I bother you with nothing but my sorrows?"

A witty comeback or six were lined up in Vincent's head, but he had angered Tifa once before, and still had the LARGE scars in the shape of a bar stool to prove it.

"Actually Vincent... there was something... I wanted to ask you..."

The barmaid smirked as she straddled herself over and onto Vincent persuasively. Although this now meant he couldn't escape from his seat.

"What is it Tifa?"

"I need a favour Vincent. Could I maybe borrow a little something...?"

She half jokingly, half seriously trying to seduce him into agreeing, slouched her body in towards his more. Before two musuclar arms hand grabbed her shoulders and were holding her like a human hot dog.

"How much."

"2000 Gil." Tifa said instantly, biting her lower lip.

"... anything else?" Vincent said, leaving the frozen Tifa sitting awkwardly on his lap, as he fished out his wallet. Looking back up with the money, Vincent's eyes widened as he saw that Tifa was standing over him in naught but her underwear.

"I need to use your washing machine too..." Taking the money from the flabbergasted Vincent, and leaning in to give him a massive hug, Tifa skipped victoriously towards the door that lead through to the kitchen, slipping the last of her clothing off too.

"Thanks Vincent!" She said, cutely blowing him a kiss while concealing herself perfectly.

Fantasy struck, Vincent didn't hear the voices of Tifa, and her accomplice Yuffie Kisaragi, celebrating over the success of the plan...

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On a side note, YES I know there was an Error in the previous chapter. 


	5. Drinking is Never Advised with Drunks

The people Demand Reno, so voila!  
And no, I do not support Yaoi at ALL. But this situation is based from true events as is just damn funny.

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How to Annoy an Angsting Host

Visitor: Reno (+drink)

Tranquility. Even with his patience shattered, his wallet lost to Tifa and a Kleptomaniac, and his legs bandaged and hole-ridden, Vincent Valentine finally had time to do what he wanted, for once.

No superiors with orders. No Scientists with gigantic guns. No FEMALE scientists with curves... or anybody else for that matter. Just Vincent, a masterpeice novel, and a steaming bath of bubbling water fit for a spa. The renovations to the estate had fully restored it to it's former glory. But Vincent in his silent laziness, had left it so unkept that the spiderwebs had returned in no time.

Although he still had his secret joy. In the form of bubbles.

'No one will ever no.' He fleefully though to himself as the usually red garbed, but currently naked Vincent popped a few of the millions of bubbles surrounding him in the bathtub. His novel to the side, and his claw casually popping innocent bubbles as they drifted past. Nothing could ruin this moment...

CRASH. "Hey Vinnie!! You'll never guess what just happened to your front door!"

...damn.

Within seconds, the murmurring, stumbling, bottle waving redhead that was Reno had descended upon Vincent's bathroom in a hysterical greeting along the lines of 'booze time!'.

"Uh... Reno. This is a bad time."

This was followed by slackjawed laughter as Reno noticed Vincent was in the tub, completely nude, and buried by bubbles.

"Cooool! Hey Vinnie, wanna play sailor?" Before Vincent could solve his confusion with a question, it was replaced by un-imaginable shock and terror as Reno dove head first into the bathtub, and his crotch.

"What the hell?!"

"Come on Vince! You gotta be the captain!"

"Reno what the hell are you doing!? That's my-!"

Reno, in a sudden change of heart, found his way up to Vincent's face, and what was worse, Vincent found himself helplessly pinned between an intoxicated loon and potential drowning.

If he knew that Reno was going to kiss him, he would have chosen the drowning. After suffocating Vincent with the most foul smelling and sloppiest kiss one could ever dread receiving, Vincent was almost tempted to scream, but could only cough and gurgle as he was rolled around in the tub by a mysteriously emotional, yet terrifyingly horny Reno.

"Come 'ere Vince! You know you've missed me!"

"Dammit Ren-" Sploosh. "What the hell are you-" Sploosh. Gurgle. "Get off of there!"

Reno proceeded to drag Vincent from the tub, and downstairs (considering he wasn't the heaviest, nor physically imposing of men) to perform an impromptue ball in the main foyer. While Vincent struggled dripping and nude the whole time. Thankfully very hard drinking followed soon after.

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The next Morning, Vincent would awake in his ever welcoming bed from a land of nightmares, and roll over to meet another. Reno would find himself in the same situation.

As two rather unmanly screams filled the house. 


	6. Don't ask

Direct Continuation from Chapter 5. After much screaming.

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How to Annoy an Angsting Host

visitor: Reno (still here), Rude, Elena

Anywhere but here. Anyone but him! Were just two of the alternate realities Vincent had in his mind as he sat on the opposite end of his kitchen table staring through the forest that was his fringe, at a severely hungover Reno.

"How...?" Vincent finally whispered, still shaking under the bedsheet he had hidden under since the two had their rude awakening.

"Duh... um..." Reno raised his head from it's current job as a paperweight, only to slide from his chair clutching his temples as the throbbing set in. "Why does my butt hur-"

Reno was cut off as the kitchen door flew open, and Rude, soaking wet with a towel around his waist stood there.

"Morning-" Rude would've continued if Vincent hadn't half shouted the words 'What the hell' in an echo around the room.

"Since when were you all staying here?" Vincent enquired, as Reno gathered himself with a few moans from the kitchen floor.

"We tried to call you, but you don't even have a phone. So we just had to assume a 'yes'!" He slurred, walking into the emtpy Frigde, before opening it in disapointment.

"Reno..." Rude chirped in, realising what Vincent had been ignoring with dread. "Why are you naked?" A loud thud could be heard from Vincent's general location.

The shock made Rude throw his arms, and his towel, far up in the air. Sadly... just as Elena stumbled in wondering what all the noise that disturbed her sleeping could have been. What she got was three nude men in the kitchen.

Reno and Rude looked at each other, then to Vincent. They managed to conceal themselves with one hand while scratching their heads for an excuse with the other.  
Not really necessary, as Elena had passed out swiftly at this point.

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Bring on the Reviews and requests folks! I think my grammar may be slipping a bit... 


	7. Giddy up Horsie?

And were back! With new problems.

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How to Annoy an Angsting Host

Visitor: Nanaki/Red XIII

Having a bar installed was the best decision Vincent ever made. Between being shot with his own gun, sexually assaulted in his bathtub, losing his wallet to a lustful housewife, and becoming eye candy for a hormonal blonde turk, Vincent had built up the need to drink. HARD.

The dozens of empty bottles of assorted liquor strewn around the lounge were proof. A lot had happened. Meteorfall, Sephiroth, atonement. In truth, he was glad he had met Cloud and the others, and he beleived the planet and Lucrecia would forgive him, since he helped save it.

But why did people need to KEEP relying on him? Through his dizzy mind, full of alcohol and dancing Chocobos, Vincent asked this question again and again, as the door to his estate was once again heard opening. He cursed himself for not investing in a lock sooner.

"Vincent? Do I even want to know?" A wise voice. A refined and well educated canine voice. Nanaki.

"...bathtub rape..." Vincent slurred out as Red played with the intoxicated gunman's lower lip. "Nude Tifa..."

"Tifa is having an affair...?" Whispered a wide eyed Red.

Shaking his head, violently, Vincent attempted to stand. His cloak had managed to turn the other way around, and his gun was in his hand with an itchy trigger finger.

"I don't think so... but she has nice..." A breast motion made Red a little more concerned. But more so for Vincent's mental state. Maybe he should cut to the chase.

"Cloud and Tifa sent me in here because they heard screaming and bawling all of yesterday." Pausing to admire Vincent's empty booze bottle collection. "... this wasn't it was it?"

Spinning round on one of his spiked toes, and shooting out a window at the front of the house, much to the shock of Nanaki. "Nah... that's just me..." Finding his way to the floor on all fours, Vincent became suddenly amused with Nanaki's flaming tail.

"Hey Red... whassat anyway...?" He slurred, batting it a couple of times with his hand.

"Uh... that's my tail Vincent. How much have you had anywa-" Yelping like a puppy that has just been hit by a lawnmower, Red was now running round the Lounge in circles as Vincent clung to his tail for dear life. "Vincent stop it! Get off! Not funny!!"

Suddenly, Nanaki was tripped as Vincent threw a hand out and grabbed his back legs. The huge hound soon found himself turned into a mule, as a giggling gunman leapt onto his back tugging at his tail.

Oh the fun of afternoon Binge drinking.

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The lawnmower was fun :P 


	8. No visitors on Pie day

Please welcome back to the stage... page... oh whatever

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How to Annoy and Angsting Host

Visitor: Rufus Shinra + Rude

Out of money, he'd had it stolen. Out of booze, for he was very thristy. Out of patience, as god seems to hate him and sends endless amounts of problems to his home. But Vincent was thankful he wasn't out of pie.

Thirty years locked in a coffin could really make you think. For the most part, the gunman was sealed in a horror world with the demon Chaos and his underlings, a prisoner in his own mind. But when he finally took control... he moved his thought train onto other things.

Thirty years away from the world can make you miss certain things... the gentle summer breeze, cheerful young faces, alcohol... and fresh baked pie.

Vincent Valentine was a glutton. He had never admitted that the night he was awakened by Cloud and the others, he ate half of the Inn's store room himself using the vast amount of money he 'mysteriously' accumulated after moving backwards and forwards between the Shinra mansion, and the pawn shop, with a large sack...

But now, yes... time to take the first... glorious... gravy soaked bite into pastry heaven.  
Three knocks at the door. Gently laying his pie upon the kitched table, while running an ungloved hand down his paled face, Vincent cursed to the wind.  
"Shiva, what did I do to wrong you so"  
Collecting his trademark, destroyed, Red Cape, and slinging over his shoulders, Vincent made his way to the door with a grumble. Heaving it open, he was greeted by an annoyingly familiar pair of brown sunglasses.

"Vincent. We need a favour." Rude stated flatly.

"I'm all out of favours Rude..." Vincent replied tiredly.

Then another face, as the door was moved further open. A scarred, severly injured face with an eyepatch and seamless bright blonde hair.

"Vincent Valentine, I need your assisstance with something of great interest."

"Interest or importance Shinra?"

Rufus looked to Rude quizically, before turning back to the un-amused Vincent and stuttering.

"Um... I-interest?"

Slam.  
No visitors today. Not when there is release in the form of pastry and solitude.

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The request stated that Rufus Shinra get blanked at the door :P 


	9. Ninjas Target Practice

Very special thankyou to the half dozen request I got via anonymous E-mail.

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How to Annoy and Angsting Host

Visitor: Yuffie Kisaragi

Gluttony. Vincent couldn't fight the more disgraceful of the sins. It had controlled his diet, his quest for luxury, and now his 'playful' obsession with playing with firearms. He was, after all, an ex-turk. An Elite gunman. And one should always make a hobby out of ones work.

Laid out before him, were the various dissambled parts to his Hydra Sniper Rifle, a weapon he had come to admire as reliable, but a challenge. Within minutes, he flicked out the meagre desk light, and set his hand about fumbling with the pieces. Hindered slightly on account of only having one, it still only took him a maximum of 40 seconds, to build the rifle, load it cock it and have it sitting in his arms like a purring Tiger.  
'A shame there is nothing to shoot at', he mused to himself.

"Hey Vinnie! Yoohoo!"

His head snapping to attention, and his eyes and lips narrowing in a victorious grin of malicious intent, Vincent was for the first time, truly truly happy that the Ninja brat had stopped by...

Silently, he made his way upstairs from his office behind the kitchen. Turning on the elevator as a distraction, he snuck round through the dining hall, and watched from the cover of the grand piano, as Yuffie cautiously made her way to the doors facing the elevator. She was planning to sneak up on HIM. Oh well. The rubber bullets should suffice.  
With a silent chuckle, Vincent leant over and flicked the light switch off, earning a jump and a yelp from the ninja.

"Um... vinnie? I think there's somethin' wrong with your electricity... v-v-Vinnie...? I know you're in here...!"

As evil as he was being right now, Vincent knew in his heart... this had been a long time coming. Not to mention, it would be fun.

Slinking through the darkness, Vincent flitted by the front door, dropping the huge bolt latch accross it, barring the panicked Ninja's exit, who clawed feebly at the huge bar of wood to try and gain her freedom.

"Vinne cut it out...! This isn't fun- OW!!"

Bang! Bang! Shot after shot, of hardened rubber meeting bruised Ninja flesh.

Vincent continued for a while... 15 minutes... turned into half an hour of chasing Yuffie crying through the darkness of his house.  
'I knew buying over a thousand of these practice rounds was a good idea' He mused, loading up the next barrage into an automatic rifle...

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Slightly different... in a 'Vincent gets his own back kinda way'. Somebody doesn't like Yuffie. And I am happy to oblige with (almost) any request. 


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